I don't think you understand what a lifetime of being told to ask for consent, that women are the queens of their own body, etc. has done to train men if you expected initiation and dominance from your husband without having a conversation about it. You married a polite man, and polite men wait for the woman to initiate lest they be seen internally or externally as a rapist. I've struggled with this with my own wife. We had to have the conversation that allowed me to initiate without feeling guilty. It's what she had always wanted, but didn't understand that a lifetime of feminist rhetoric stops most men cold.
Certainly there's an element of that. It's a hard line to walk and sex is often seen with a non-negligible amount of shame due to how it's seen by society. We're trying to untangle some of that. I'm glad you've been able to talk about it with your wife, hopefully that's helped you to make good progress!
Writing realistic characters dealing with feelings and thoughts can be hard. When I wrote my first “Mistress and her Servant” story, I wrote about anger, frustration, and hurt in a relationship on the edge of breaking, but I didn’t want it to go there, so I modified where it went. Yes, like in yours, It’s not a traditional relationship, but once again writing about a man who unconditionally loves a woman who ‘needs more’, is hard, then flipping it so that I’m also writing about the woman who sees and understands that love, and to what lengths they, working together, can go to keep their marriage alive (though with some unconventional twists). Writing hurt and pain in any story is hard, but when we are adding the physical act of sex to it, it can put light into shadows in our own minds that we might not have wanted to see. I look forward to reading the next part.
That was an incredible, starkly honest and moving account, thank you! I don’t want to assume things yet, but I have a few theories about Franc. I want to know more to be more certain. Also, love that you decided to stop wearing a hairshirt and made a decision to allow yourself happiness. You deserve that. We all do.
I'll be curious to know if your theories play out as the story progresses. I'm not sure if where I'm going is "happiness", but it's interesting, that's for sure! I do think it's worth trying to push the boundaries and see which rules/conventions are real and meaningful and which ones are completely arbitrary.
The line about not being responsble for someone else's mood hits diferently when you connect it to your father's story. That boundary you're trying to establish feels both necesary for survival and impossibly heavy to carry. The therapy session reveals how much gets left unsaid in relationships, even when you think you're communicating. Your willingness to explore these complicated dynamics around desire, initiaton, and partnership without easy answers makes this compelling.
Thanks. It's interesting because "Franc" is reading these too and typically says I'm not portraying his perspective well. I'm trying, but starting to realise it's almost impossible to be completely impartial. We also remember things slightly differently.
I hope Franc has a better experience than before. I'm not sure MFM night is the best idea, I would have thought something more Franc- centered might make it easier for him to be accepting.
Chronicling your journey sounds like a powerful catharsis.
Your story also affirms the bewilderingly complex dynamics at play in the non-monogamy sphere, and that the emotions, feelings and love are the same in a closed and open relationship.
The only difference is fucking other people we respect, even care for, but don't love.
For the moment, we kept it to strangers, but of course plenty of things still hadn't been said at this point, so when they came out, much of the progress was erased.
I don't think you understand what a lifetime of being told to ask for consent, that women are the queens of their own body, etc. has done to train men if you expected initiation and dominance from your husband without having a conversation about it. You married a polite man, and polite men wait for the woman to initiate lest they be seen internally or externally as a rapist. I've struggled with this with my own wife. We had to have the conversation that allowed me to initiate without feeling guilty. It's what she had always wanted, but didn't understand that a lifetime of feminist rhetoric stops most men cold.
Certainly there's an element of that. It's a hard line to walk and sex is often seen with a non-negligible amount of shame due to how it's seen by society. We're trying to untangle some of that. I'm glad you've been able to talk about it with your wife, hopefully that's helped you to make good progress!
Beautifully written and honest.
Thank you Oli. I had to go for a walk after sending this one.
Writing realistic characters dealing with feelings and thoughts can be hard. When I wrote my first “Mistress and her Servant” story, I wrote about anger, frustration, and hurt in a relationship on the edge of breaking, but I didn’t want it to go there, so I modified where it went. Yes, like in yours, It’s not a traditional relationship, but once again writing about a man who unconditionally loves a woman who ‘needs more’, is hard, then flipping it so that I’m also writing about the woman who sees and understands that love, and to what lengths they, working together, can go to keep their marriage alive (though with some unconventional twists). Writing hurt and pain in any story is hard, but when we are adding the physical act of sex to it, it can put light into shadows in our own minds that we might not have wanted to see. I look forward to reading the next part.
Interesting. I'll check out the story you mention - is it on your Substack?
https://open.substack.com/pub/olitrollgora/p/the-mistress-and-her-servant-part?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=4v3fsm
Ah yes, thank you! Actually, I had read this one. Super hot! But not your conventional relationship, by any means. Thanks for sharing!
That was an incredible, starkly honest and moving account, thank you! I don’t want to assume things yet, but I have a few theories about Franc. I want to know more to be more certain. Also, love that you decided to stop wearing a hairshirt and made a decision to allow yourself happiness. You deserve that. We all do.
I'll be curious to know if your theories play out as the story progresses. I'm not sure if where I'm going is "happiness", but it's interesting, that's for sure! I do think it's worth trying to push the boundaries and see which rules/conventions are real and meaningful and which ones are completely arbitrary.
Your friend sounds like fun too
Sonia there a story about you both going to the club?
It's coming soon. Hopefully this weekend but I have a couple of things I'm working on.
The line about not being responsble for someone else's mood hits diferently when you connect it to your father's story. That boundary you're trying to establish feels both necesary for survival and impossibly heavy to carry. The therapy session reveals how much gets left unsaid in relationships, even when you think you're communicating. Your willingness to explore these complicated dynamics around desire, initiaton, and partnership without easy answers makes this compelling.
Thanks. It's interesting because "Franc" is reading these too and typically says I'm not portraying his perspective well. I'm trying, but starting to realise it's almost impossible to be completely impartial. We also remember things slightly differently.
Another riveting chapter in your story, Debbie. I'm eager to hear what happens the second time at the club!
Thanks Demetria, coming next week hopefully!
I hope Franc has a better experience than before. I'm not sure MFM night is the best idea, I would have thought something more Franc- centered might make it easier for him to be accepting.
I suppose I'll find out in the next installment 😊
You're probably right. We moved too fast for him - that's clear now.
Chronicling your journey sounds like a powerful catharsis.
Your story also affirms the bewilderingly complex dynamics at play in the non-monogamy sphere, and that the emotions, feelings and love are the same in a closed and open relationship.
The only difference is fucking other people we respect, even care for, but don't love.
For the moment, we kept it to strangers, but of course plenty of things still hadn't been said at this point, so when they came out, much of the progress was erased.
Fascinated to see how it panned out. An curious about the "out of Africa" reference?
https://sexydr.substack.com/p/my-fairytale-love-story :)